If Only
by DreadNot
Summary: We all wonder what we might have had if we'd done things differently. PxS Volume 7 spoilerish.


_ If only the first time we met I hadn't been a show off. If only I hadn't embarrassed you in front of your men, maybe we would have gotten to know each other._

"What's your name, girly?"

"Seras Victoria, and you're Captain Bernadette."

Pip leaned against the wall and nodded at her before pulling a cigarette from the pack in his pocket and lighting it. "That was some trick you did with the gun barrel. Kind of a waste of a good gun, though."

"I know. Walter's going to be very annoyed with me for bending it just to make a point." She ducked her head and watched the man through her lashes. She wondered why he wore that plaster on his nose. Had someone punched him recently? He looked like the kind of guy who might inspire that now and then.

"Walter? The old stiff, right? He's the one who hired us." Pip tried not to be too obvious while he looked her over. Nice body, cute smile, but a vampire? Funny thing was, she really just seemed like a person. A person he wouldn't mind getting to know a bit better.

_If only I hadn't called you stupid and embarrassed you in front of my men when what you wanted was to show us, teach us, keep us alive. Yes, you sucked as a teacher, but you wanted us to live. If only I'd understood that then, maybe we could have been friends._

"Psst… Seras?"

"What?"

Pip gestured for her to walk away from the firing range with him. This was the kind of talk you should have without people listening in. Doing it in public only got everyone's hackles up and nothing was solved.

"What do you want, Captain Bernadette?" She was annoyed. Why weren't they listening to her? She didn't want them to get close to vampires. Getting close to vampires was how you died. Why didn't they understand?

"Walk with me." He nodded to a part of the manor grounds that edged the forest. "We have to talk." He walked with her well away from the rest of the Wild Geese. "You're asking too much of us. We're only human. We're damned good for humans, but we can't hit a target 4500 meters away. Relax a little."

"But…"

"I know you want us to get through this fucking insane contract we've taken. I've seen what you can do and it's bloody amazing, but we just can't do that. Work with me here. I won't undermine you if you won't undermine me. It's called mutual respect. I hear it works pretty well for some people."

Seras smiled, almost against her will. "Alright, we'll try that."

_If only I hadn't pushed your buttons, singing the Eskimo song and embarrassing you. If only I hadn't taunted you until you were ready to scream. If only I'd understood more about you, maybe we could have been more than friends._

"You don't know the Eskimo song?" Pip looked at Seras and grinned devilishly.

She folded her arms over her chest and shook her head, "No, I do not and I don't want to if it's perverted."

He shook his head back at her, "You're missing out, girly. It's not about the song, it's the movie it's from – Full Metal Jacket. It's a kickass movie. I think you'd like it if you gave it a chance."

"You think so?" She cocked her head and looked at him to see if he was having her on.

"I think so." He cocked his head, too, mirroring her. "Tell you what, come to my room and you can watch it with me. I have the DVD. Let me share something I like with you this time, and next time, you can share something you like with me."

Next time? Seras liked the sound of that very much.

_If only I'd thanked you in Brazil. If only I'd used that time when we were out without Alucard to talk to you. If only I'd told you how brave and resourceful I thought you were, maybe we could have had that kiss and maybe more._

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For the helicopter. For getting us out of there. For taking out their command center all by yourself." Seras looked at Pip with a respect he hadn't seen from her before. "You're one human man and you did more than I was able to do. Weren't you scared?"

He stopped her and turned away from the ocean breeze to light a cigarette. He blew out a cloud of smoke on a snort of amusement. "You bet your cute ass I was scared. I was scared shitless, but I took a contract and I'll live and die for that."

He started walking again. They'd left the motel room they were hiding out in because he was hungry and he'd seen the universal symbol of cheap, fast, crappy food down the street – the Golden Arches. She'd said she wasn't hungry, not that she could eat what he did anyway, but he had the distinct impression that the girl had wanted to get away from her master.

She looked at him and her eyes widened at his admission. "You were? I was too, it was horrible."

"But you're a vampire. You can't die so easily. They weren't prepared to kill vampires, just humans."

Her eyes were haunted when she looked at him. "It wasn't the humans who scared me. It was _him_. He was awful. He killed them without thinking about it. He enjoyed it and he shouted at me. He told me that it didn't matter whether they were human or not; this is war." Her voice trailed away and she reached out while they walked and took his hand, needing comfort.

He squeezed her hand and looked at her sympathetically. "He's right. They made their choice. We made ours. You have to do what you signed on for, girly. Even when it's horrible." He stopped when she shook her head frantically in negation and pulled her into his arms. "Yes, you do. Tell yourself you're doing it for the greater good, for Hellsing, for England – whatever it takes for you to get through the night. But find what it takes for you to do what you signed on for."

"No!" But she didn't fight his embrace; she almost melted into it. It was the first time she'd been held by a human man, not just since her change, but ever. Her father didn't count. She wanted to listen to him. She wanted so badly to find some _reason_ to be what she was and do what Alucard had told her she must. This mercenary was doing a better job of giving her that than anyone else at Hellsing had.

They were oblivious to the people who occasionally passed them on the sidewalk. People smiled, only seeing lovers holding each other on a warm night. It seemed right when his face descended to hers and he kissed her.

Pip led her off the sidewalk away from curious eyes and they kissed for what felt like both forever and not long enough. Only the knowledge that Alucard was waiting for them back at the motel and would likely come looking for them if they were gone too long kept the young couple from spending the night holding each other in a darkened doorway in a strange city in a strange country.

_If only I'd known what growing up was like for you. If I'd known. If I'd known what you'd never had. The way you'd been taunted and left out. If only… If I'd known. If I'd known what you'd lost and the circumstances under which you'd lost it… I would never have teased you the way I did. Maybe we could have had more sooner._

"What was it like for you growing up?" Two voices asking the same question at the same time.

They would have laughed, if the question hadn't struck a chord of memory with both of them.

"It was hard." The same answer from both.

"What were your parents like?"

"Gone."

"Did you have friends?"

"I fought a lot."

"Were you lonely?"

"What do you think?"

A shared understanding. Neither had thought they would find that in their circumstances. Neither had thought they would find someone who would know what it felt like – the losses and experiences and choices that had brought them to the place they were.

What a relief not to be alone with that.

_If only I'd appreciated the quick kiss you wanted to snatch. At least I would have one more memory. Maybe it would have been the memory that would have taken me through the worst._

"Ah, I forgot one important thing." He couldn't stand it. He had to send her out against those beasts. "Seras! Close your eyes!"

She closed her eyes, trusting him, and felt his warmth approach her face. She didn't pull away. This might be her last chance at a kiss. Her last chance for anything good. She didn't care whether the other Geese were watching. She didn't care whether Millennium's creations were waiting outside. She just wanted to feel human for a moment before she embraced her inhumanity to save the people she cared about.

Her lips were no cooler than those of a woman who'd been outside on a chilly day or just taken a sip of a cold drink. They warmed quickly from the press of his. She pulled away before she lost her nerve to keep going and Pip made a rude gesture at the hooting mercenaries.

"My turn!" "No me!" they clamored.

"No boys, you'll just have to stay alive with the memories of your girlfriends and lovers," Pip said smugly before looking at Seras. "Don't turn your toes up. Don't die." He turned away to hide the fear he felt from her.

"You too, Captain. All of you." She turned away to hide her fear from him.

_If we had…_

_If we had done things differently, I wouldn't have been able to let you go. You wouldn't have done what you needed to do. I would have had another fear on top of all the others. Maybe we would have failed altogether._

_It had to happen the way it did._

_I love you._

_

* * *

__This was written as a birthday gift for Ciarda Rois (aka verdandi24.) I like PxS, I just can't bring myself to write it most of the time because of how it ends up. A simple reminder that I do not own the characters from Hellsing, nor do I make any money from my writing. _


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